Everybody Eats Raymond
by Stupidfic
Summary: lame title produces lamer story


-1It was a lovely day in the neighborhood of Someretardedplace, in the state of Whothehellcares. The flowers were blooming, the birds were singing, the zombies… ZOMBIES?! HOLY SHIT, THERE'S ZOMBIES WANDERING IN THE STREETS!!!

Unfortunately for one family, the Barones, they are blissful unaware that today would be their last…

"I can't believe your mother came over to make lunch for us AGAIN!" Debra complained to her husband in the living room.

Keeping his eyes to the television set, Raymond thought to himself 'I can't believe you still act like a whiney bitch.'

Raymond's mother Marie came out of the kitchen to say "lunch is ready!"

"Great" muttered Marie's husband Frank, "it's about goddamn time!"

"Ray, can you tell the kids to come inside?" Debra asked in a demanding tone.

Grumbling off of the couch, Raymond Barone opened the front door and called the names of his children. Some seconds later a young girl and two twin boys shuffled inside. Their clothes were stained with blood and patches of flesh were torn off.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Frank.

Marie went to see what was going on and screamed. "Oh my goodness! What happened to them?"

"I'm going to dial 911!" Debra said as she raced for the phone in a panicky way.

Raymond spoke "relax, they're fine! A couple bandages and they'll be good as new! Right, kids?"

Ally, Michael, and Geoffrey said nothing. All they did was drool and stare at their 'tender' loving parents.

"See? That's a look of agreement!"

Debra groaned in frustration. "Nobody is answering!"

The children suddenly put their arms forwards and slowly walked towards the grown-ups. They groaned at each step they took!

"Aww, I think they want a hug" said Marie sympathetically. She opened her own arms wide and spoke "come here and give your grandma a kiss!"

CRASH! A police car burst through the front door and ran over the young ones! The driver of the vehicle got out to reveal himself to be Robert Barone!

"Dammit Robert you broke our new door!" Raymond yelled in anger. "…and you killed the kids, too!"

"That's not important!" Robert spoke in fear. "What's important is that zombies coming this way!"

Frank only scoffed "Zombies? What makes you think we'll believe that kind of crap?"

Just then, hordes of zombies came through the kitchen door and windows.

"HOLY CRAP! ZOMBIES!"

"Let's get up to the attic!" Raymond ordered his family.

The Barone hauled their asses to the top of the house. However, Marie and Frank became zombie food due to their lack of agility. But it didn't matter, because they were old and nobody cares about old people. Well, except for those related to the elderly, but Raymond and Robert hated their parents so they didn't mind that much.

"We'll be safe here" Raymond's brother panted.

Debra looked at her arm and gasped. "NO! One of them bit me!" When she looked forward, she was staring right at the barrel of Robert's pistol!

"Whoa, what are you doing Rob?" Raymond asked.

"Debra got infected by a zombie. So now it's either we take her life or wait until she takes ours."

"No! We can't just…"

"He's right" Debra said suddenly. A tear formed from one of her eyes. "I'm going to become one the undead. I have to die… to save you and Robert, Ray."

Raymond spoke "Sweetie, I can't just let the love of my life get murdered. It would be… hey, what's behind you?"

While his wife turned her head, Raymond snatched the firearm from Robert's hand and pulled the trigger. A second later, Debra fell with her forehead blown off.

"I always wanted to do that" said Raymond with a smile.

Robert sighed. "Well Ray, looks like we are the only ones left. I guess I should make the most of it." He took off his belt and pulled down his pants.

"Umm… what the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm going get my revenge on you by anal rape."

"I see. Hey look over there!"

Raymond's brother turned around. BANG! Raymond shot him in the head. And then Raymond shot him in the 'other' head.

Now that all his loved ones were horribly slain, Raymond Barone could finally have some peace and quiet. Sadly, that peace was short-lived when the zombies broke into the attic. His screams also didn't last long when his throat was torn open by undead teeth.

_AND THAT'S HOW EVERYBODY ATE RAYMOND!_


End file.
